As the mother of two young daughters close in age, I have participated in a few parenting online boards. One of the most common topics mentioned is negativity from other people about pregnancy, babies and children. It really brings them down. It makes them doubt their abilities — and even feel guilty about having a child.

So much of the reaction to news of a pregnancy is negative — whether it is the first or sixth baby, planned or unplanned, parents are young or old, married or unmarried, rich or poor, whether the age gap is small or large.

People are quicker to say, “You sure you know what you are getting yourself into?” or to make you into a bit of a joke, than celebrate the joy of a new baby.

Someone said when they were telling someone about expecting their third child that the friend acted shocked, and said, “That is enough, don’t you think?”

However, if they were telling the friend about a new third car or third storey, the person would be happy for them. Yet these things can’t give the same happiness and joy a child can bring.

I’ve had conversations with family and friends who have only negative things to say about having babies, even when I say how happy (though busy) we are. I have strangers come up to me saying, “You think you have your hands full now?” or “I couldn’t think of anything worse”.

I have been treated as if I am having another baby purely for welfare. I got all the looks when walking through a mall with a baby and obviously pregnant, and it continues now.
Is it because we are supposed to complete so much before we have children? I am a university graduate, married with a husband with a good job and salary, and have lived and worked overseas. Not that this should matter. I get the comments all the same.
Back in “the day”, and in many cultures, it was good to have many children. It was seen that your family was fruitful and this would support the whole community. Why now are children seen as burdens that interrupt our lifestyles?

I know people mean well, but talking to parents about whether they know what they are getting themselves into makes it seem like it is just an option. The baby is on the way, or here. It can’t be taken back. And if the parents are excited, why make them doubt themselves?

These unconscious negative comments really wear new parents down. Maybe this is why the abortion rate is so high? I can certainly understand why people would feel pressured.
So to mothers who feel knocked back at times, I say do not doubt yourselves. And to those who make the comments, try to be positive to our mothers who work so hard. They are the ones who are raising our future.

— Chelsea Houghton formerly worked for the Catholic Youth Team in Christchurch and is now a stay-at-home mum.